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~ Litany of S.S.D.D. ~

Litany of S.S.D.D.

It's like trying to play ping-pong
With the Mad Hatter, as he dashes
Around the immoveable feast of fear
Within my mind. "Move down! Move down!"

It's hearing the lyrics of the same
Old song, the looped tape of questions
With only static as the feedback.
Except, the answers have already been given.

No one hears it anymore, but me.
I've been given what advice there is to be had.
But the dog still worries that bone,
Gnawing endlessly, restlessly, inside.

The war between mind and heart never ceases.
Logic and emotion battle for possession,
And either way, it seems I'll lose.
I wish I had a white flag to wave in truce.

Even complete surrender won't win this war,
Because holding on and letting go are so
Closely intertwined. I seem to be damned,
Either way, paralyzed by fear of both.

It's a dilemma where the questions ARE the answers:
Grief, Anger, Pain, Resentment, Apathy,
vs.
Forgiveness, Love, and Acceptance.
All exist in tandem, but all randomly emerge as
The victor.

I know the steps to this dance like the back of my hand.
I know the progression is a jagged scale,
Of highs and lows, and eventual balance.
If only the loop would just stop playing

Long enough for me to catch my breath.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

Love and the Dark Light of Change

Love and the Dark Light of Change

To me, Love is the single greatest gift we have to share with others. I believe in the romantic ideal of Love, and although reality never achieves the 'ideal' of anything, I think it sometimes comes close with Love.

There is a huge difference between the reality of Love and the concept. Real Love takes work, it takes effort, it takes being open and honest enough to both give and receive it. It hurts. It rarely lasts. The concept is the easy part - just read any fairy tale or watch a romantic movie with a happy, sappy ending.

So many people buy into the propaganda that they either forget or never learn about the reality. And that's sad. Because Love can be the most beautiful thing we have to give...or receive.

My belief in Love is one that has been tested and jaded as I get older and wiser. That's where the dark light of change comes into it. If you are lucky and unlucky enough to experience Real Love, then it WILL change you. Sometimes it changes us quickly, sometimes it happens over a period of time, but the real thing will either scar you, teach you or show you truths about yourself that you never would have seen, otherwise. Those people who truly love us can show us things about ourselves that we might have been unwilling to see or unwilling to confront. Real Love changes us on a higher level, because the only 'perfect love' is that of the Divine. But we can still strive to match it.

My definition of love means that I give 100%. I don't say "I love you" unless I mean it - it's not some "off the cuff" remark that I just drop. Unfortunately, it also means that I've given my love to those who didn't or couldn't appreciate it, took it for granted, used it, threw it away, threw it back in my face, rejected it, didn't want it or simply didn't know what to do with it or how to handle it.

I try to think that those people just weren't open to Real Love. They couldn't or wouldn't allow themselves to be vulnerable to the extent that it takes to fully experience Real Love. It wasn't that I didn't love well enough, or the 'right' way, or that my love wasn't "enough" in any way. And I don't consider that love I gave as being wasted...you see, love freely given is never wasted. And maybe it changed them, somehow. I don't know.

But I've learned that Real Love isn't about what you get from it. It's not about what you get 'back', or if it's returned, or even wanted. Real Love is given simply because you want to give it. Real Love isn't selfish, in that sense....it's not about 'self' or even 'Self'...because if you really love someone, you care more about them than you do about yourself. That's the bottom line, really.

I'm not talking about being co-dependent, or a doormat. It just means that there aren't any strings attached to that gift. Unconditional, or as close to that as you can get. Any time you truly love someone, there is always going to be some level of co-dependency. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, as long as it isn't taken to extremes.

It's why I have such a problem with the idea of Zen detachment...because if you're never truly 'attached' to anyone, you'll never be able to experience what Real Love is all about. Some detachment can be good, as long as it isn't taken to an extreme. But detachment derived from fear...of being hurt, or being vulnerable...means that while you may not get hurt by Love, you'll never fully experience the joys it can bring, either.

I've been burned over and over again by Love, because of my belief in what it means, how I give it, how I give 100%...I could let that hurt and pain stop me from ever giving it again, or ever being open and vulnerable to being hurt again. And maybe it will stop me, for awhile.

But in the end, all I can do and be is the loving person I am. And that means being true to myself and my 'ideal' of what Love means and is all about. Even as much as the dark light of Love has changed me, I still believe in its power. It's the greatest gift we have to give...or receive.

~ Welcome to the Machine ~

How does one decide

Between keeping one's own counsel

Or speaking truth

From the deep need to connect?



For, an overly analytical mind

Will re-think everything a thousand times,

Missing the most obvious answer,

By making all of it too complex.



There should be no shame in honesty,

Despite a tendency toward the ideal.

As long as one is honest with oneself,

Is true to what one's heart does feel.



Of thoughts are emotions born.

Of emotions, are actions brought to life.

Ever spawning more thoughts,

And then become caught,

In the spiral of thinking, feeling,

Or…whatever comes next.



I've sometimes wished I could not speak,

And sometimes wished I could,

But didn't.

I think. I feel. Too much, it's true.

Discretion comes and goes like lightning,

Flashing sporadically through the mind,

That this honest heart reflects.



My fear does not stop me.



~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

People who matter and a Matter of Pride

People who matter and the matter of Pride

The particular parts of my ego named "pride" and "arrogance" have cost me a lot. Specifically, they have cost me good friends whom I took for granted, thinking they would always be there. I recently let my pride and arrogance get me into a situation where I told someone who means the world to me that I wouldn't be contacting them or reaching out to them anymore, because our 'friendship' felt one-sided to me. It's true that friendship is a two-way street, and it takes effort on both peoples' parts.

But now I'm finding that I'm trapped by my statement, all because my pride was wounded. I haven't broken my word to this other person - I haven't "reached out" or "contacted" them.

Since then, there has been a quiet voice (my conscience, perhaps?) that has reminded me...

If you care about someone, if they MATTER to you, LET THEM KNOW, as often as you can. Because either of you could die tomorrow, and then you'd never get the chance. Don't just assume they already know. It may be the one thing they need to hear the most. Don't take the people who matter to you for granted. All we ever have is the current day. If you don't let them know, today, when you think about it...you may not ever get that chance again.

Because of my ego, my pride, and my determination to stay consistent with my actions and words, I can't reach out to the one person I would most like to. And while I'd like to believe that it's never too late to say "I'm sorry" or make amends, I've effectively painted myself into a corner by standing my ground and adhering to my principles.

If you read this, I hope you'll learn something from it. Pride and wounded ego should never stop you from letting people who really matter to you know how much you care.

About Freedom, Judgement and Moderation

Freedom, Judgement and Moderation

About Freedom -

"Freedom can mean the ability to say no to unproductive habits and unsatisfying ways of living. Freedom means surrendering my powerlessness to my Higher Power. It enables me to turn loved ones and troubles over to God's care. Freedom gives me the strength to say no when I want to, and need to. Freedom can mean to be in control of what I do with my thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. In the same way, freedom allows me to say yes to positive and productive attitudes. In other words, I am free to be the best me I can be."

MEDITATION FOR TODAY

Thank You for my freedom, which can be another word for self-discipline.

TODAY I WILL REMEMBER

Only the disciplined are free.

From the book "Today", EA

*********

One of the great things about our country is the freedom to be who we want, do what we want, when we want, etc. etc. Freedom of choice is a great thing, but a saying that always comes to my mind when I think about freedom, is:

"Just because you CAN do something, doesn't necessarily mean that you SHOULD."

With freedom comes responsibility...but then, I guess it depends on to whom you're responsible, doesn't it? Yourself? God? Society? Friends? Family? A lot of times in life, the things we want aren't necessarily the things which are best for us. Can you be responsible for your own choices? Can you truly be "free" and self-disciplined? What's your motivation to do so?

*********


About Judgment -

Man, it's easy to be judgmental. It's easy to take a self-righteous attitude and sit in condemnation of others. Another saying I read recently (yeah, I'm full of 'em and have no qualms about sharing them) is:

"When I point a finger at you in Judgment, three of my own fingers are pointing back at me."

Hmmm...how true. Knowing this makes it easier for me to temper my judging and critical attitude of other people. That doesn't mean I can't and won't set boundaries for how people treat me. But it does mean that I don't have a right to tell them how to live, act, etc. and judge them or criticize them if it's not MY way of doing things. If I find myself being judgmental or critical of other people, it probably means my EGO is getting the better of me. (<--- I've discovered that's a beast that will never quite be 'tamed', and that's a whole nother blog).

*********

About Moderation -

We've probably all heard the saying, "Everything in moderation". This would presumably be so that all of life could be "in balance". But I have to admit that in a society so full of extremes, excess and the unlimited plethora of things to choose from, 'moderation' becomes something of a joke. Or maybe it's simply a matter of self-discipline/self-control and wise choices.

I admit I'm addicted to nicotine and caffeine. Moderation becomes my 'watch-word' with these things, because of my addiction to them. I believe that anything that a person regularly 'uses' can be deemed an addiction, and so can put one's life 'out of balance'.

It's unfortunate that so many people simply don't care whether or not there is balance in their life. They laugh at the idea of any kind of limits, self-restraint, boundaries. Extremism is not only a way of life, but a central part of their 'core'. So caught up in ego, they fail to see how their lack of moderation makes them slaves to whatever it is they become addicted to - whether it's drugs, alcohol, sex, money, power, pain, excitement...whatever.

But hey, that's a personal choice, and I have no control over anyone else's choices except mine. Someday (maybe even someday soon) I'll make the choice of whether or not I want to stay a slave to my addictions, or whether striving to be more 'in balance' is more important to me. I've been an extremist all of my life; I'm all about passion for something you strongly believe in and following your heart, your dreams. But as I get older (and hopefully wiser), I'm also learning that there are so many things in this world to be distracted by, to choose from, to allow to be a part of my life and choose how important they become (or are) to who I really am, as a person.

If I choose moderation, I can choose a better form of balance. For me. Everyone has different choices. If I stay a slave to something, it's because I choose to be. I hope that before I die, I won't be such a slave to my ego, my addictions and the other 'things' of this world which will constantly clamor for my time and attention.

Forgiveness, Acceptance and Awareness

Forgiveness, Acceptance and Awareness

I'm learning more about myself with every day which passes. Some things are good, some not so good, but they are all things of which I needed to become aware. I wish that others I know could and would do the same, but when it comes down to it, everyone has to find their own path, their own way in life.

I've discovered that forgiveness and acceptance are both difficult for me. I'm learning a new way of life so that I can incorporate both of these into my character, but it takes time. The aim is 'progress, not perfection'. Each day I try to make more progress, even if it seems small.

Being aware of something isn't enough to change it. It's true that you can't change what you don't acknowledge, but there has to be action to make any changes permanent, lasting. It takes active practice to make something a habit (be it positive or negative).

About Forgiveness - One thing I've learned in life is that people will hurt you. It happens. And people who are hurting, tend to hurt other people. It takes a lot to be able to forgive those who have hurt you in the past, but holding on to anger, resentment and hate toward those people gives them control over your thoughts. Logically, I understand this. But then, emotions aren't logical. I still haven't figured out the key to forgiveness, but I'm working on it.

About Acceptance - I've heard so many times in life that "acceptance is the key to happiness", but no one tells you the key to acceptance. Some say it's "letting go and letting God". Some say it's "taking life as it comes" and not trying to change life to fit your idea of what it should be, but taking "life on life's terms". Again, I still don't know exactly what the answer is, for me personally, but I'm trying.

Life is very hard sometimes and people will hurt you. It takes courage to keep living and keep believing that you can survive whatever terrible things others might do to you. But every new day in which you awaken in the morning and find yourself still breathing, is another day that you have a chance to change...whether it's changing yourself, your attitudes, your behaviors, or what you do with your life that day.

I'm not perfect, but I'm a great person. And all I can be is me. I hope that someday I'll truly be the best 'me' I can be, but it's going to take active practice, each and every day. I hope to be able to become more forgiving and accepting (of both myself and other people). I'm aware and have acknowledged these things I need to work on...and those have been crucial first steps. Action makes it real.

~ Moon-Shadow Muse ~

Tonight, I was captured
By a moon-shadow's musing.
The soft light stole my thoughts
And in choosing to follow them,
As they skated like clouds
Across the starry sky of my mind,
I dreamed of you and I.

I lost myself to a memory
Of what might have been,
And what was or wasn't true.
The moon above looked coldly on --
Watching my wandering mind watch you.

I cannot take what is not given.
Nor can I give what is not mine.
I followed the moon-shadow's gift willingly,
Because in that half-lit darkness,
I dreamed of our love, and somehow,
Cheated time.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ A Fresh Perspective ~

I find myself humbled by a fresh perspective,
Able to look forward,
Instead of back.
Able to see the washed out, grey haze
Of forgotten memories
And faded yesterdays,
Discovering that it doesn't hurt
Anymore.
Hesitant to trust the faint tendril
Of hope which gently uncurls
From deep within.
All that I am, have ever been,
From past to present,
As the future unfurls itself
Before me.
And I realize just how much
I never really
Knew me.
But now I'm learning again,
And I think this time
I'll be a better student.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ "There"-apy ~

Who needs a shrink, when one has friends?
But so many are indiscriminate, I think,
Between friends and acquaintances.
The difference in the two,
Lies in their willingness
To be "there".
So many people can't or won't do
What it takes to make
It real, or fair.
One-way streets of convenience
Aren't friendships. They're illusion.
And the casual way the word
"Friend" is flung about only adds
To the confusion. I have heard
That said so many times,
But so few ever mean it.
"You're in my thoughts," but they never call.
"Take care," they say, but don't care at all.
And I am NOT a guiltless one.
But at least I make the effort, and try.
Some will act as if they haven't seen it,
Or couch excuses of an all "too busy" life.
But true friends are such a rare gift, and I
Still keep reaching out.
Does that make me a fool for believing?
What then, of "there"apy?
What value or sense, in a "friend's"
Deceiving emptiness, and hollow
Promises which never come to be?
How can you be a "friend"
If you're never, really "there"?
If you never call, or write,
And never reach out?
It's a two-way street,
The door swings both ways.
THAT is what true "friendship"
Is really about.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ Unclaimed Baggage ~

This airport is empty.
But there is a carousel
Which constantly goes round
And round.

When I visit, I can see
The bags as they pass.
Here comes the one
Marked "Guilt".

And there...there is one labeled "Resentment".
A little while later,
The heavy steamer trunk stamped
"Emotional Pain".

Yeah, best to let that one go
Round again.
Except, the carousel has no handlers,
Save me.

There is no room
Where all the unclaimed baggage
Can go to be forgotten.
So it circles,
Endlessly,
Until I gather the courage
To just step up and claim it all.

Maybe it won't be as heavy
As I fear.
Maybe I won't need a carrier,
After all.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ Just a Picture? ~

How is it, then,
That a simple picture could
Tear my world apart?
No breath, no life,
Not even a thousand words,
Could ever explain
Why.
One simple picture,
Although there have been so many
More.
It's not even the picture,
But the subject.
The answer surely lies
In simple disinterest,
Uncaring apathy, now.
You have your world,
I have mine...
Or what's left of it.
And if all it takes
Is a simple picture,
Then I wish I could be blind.
So I wouldn't see
That you just don't care.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ Grande's Mandolin ~

They say he used to sing
And dance, when he played
His mandolin.
I've heard the family stories
A thousand times,
About my "Grande", Marvin.
I only have vague memories --
He passed when I was very young.
But I look at the wooden mandolin
And wonder,
About the songs that were sung.
I see the oiled, mellow wood,
Aged well, without a crack.
I see the thin, silvery strings,
Which are still in tune,
And sometimes wish him back.
If only to see his merry jigs,
Or watch his sausage-fingers play.
I hear the music in my mind
And I wonder what he'd say if he knew
His instrument was kept so well?
Would he strum the words,
And dance them, too?
If the world could reverse,
And time stand still,
I'd dance at my grand-father's side
And then,
I'd hug him and tell him I loved him, too.
When I look at Grande's mandolin,
The smiling memory I have
Is made delighted and new.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ Pear Blossom Snowstorm ~

Although it's Spring,
There is still snow
Of a softer sort.

Not cold, or wet,
But still white amidst the bright
Golden-green of curling leaves.

There is a thawing within me,
And I am somehow
Made smoother, softer;

Loosed, like the blown petals
Of a sudden pear-blossom snowstorm,
Prompted by an impish March wind.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ The Stones Remember ~

Far within these cold, stone walls,

lies the spirit of the Keep.

Mortar mixed with blood and sweat,

the foundations buried deep.

The stones remember battles fought

and won, and kings on noble steeds.

They also recall Dark Ages past,

filled with both great and awful deeds.

Wild grass grows now between the ruins--

the crumbled, tumbled rocks.

Guarded by ghosts and memories,

there is no need for locks.

The once mighty walls have fallen low,

relenting to the hand of Time.

The wind mourns through the jagged

cracks, that only the insects find.

A sense of ancient ways surrounds

the ramparts, tall and steep.

The codes and credos still reside

with the spirit of the Keep.

It still has strength of purpose,

though now, it is only a shell.

The craftsmen who built this ode

to defense, made sure they built it well!

Though crumbling from years of disuse and age,

though empty, forgotten, it stands,

the stones remember all

who have passed this way,

and felt their strength with their hands.

When worn to dust this place will be,

when the sun is only an ember,

when shadows abound on empty ground,

the stones will still remember...

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2003

~ Crazy is as Crazy does ~

Crazy is, as crazy does,
You can't reconcile the "present" with "was",
And all the past won't fade away,
Until you live life for today.

Never still, emotion twist,
And thoughtless, kill
To just exist.
So take the spirit and try again,
Live, or die trying,
And finally, when
You've found yourself,

The past and all the broken ties
And pointless lies
Won't even matter.
Because the victory will be in knowing
That crazy can be sane again.

OCD won't stop until
You face it, each day
Find the will to just
Let it go. And that, my friend,
Is how you'll know that crazy is
As crazy does.

Just for today...don't give in.
Just for today. The past is "was".

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ Seek out the Four-Leafed Clovers ~

I looked for luck today,
thinking I could use some.
My eyes, scanning, seeking,
green leaves of three.
Whole patches of clover,
beneath my soft shadow.

The masses huddled together,
covering, sheltering one another,
in a close-knit bunch.
Always only three leaves;
thousands of trinities, triads and trios.

Then I thought about you,
and there it was!
Magically appearing, as if summoned
by the image in my mind;
the perfect four-leaf clover!

It wasn't obvious, like I expected.
Four, round, papery-thin leaves,
a dark Spring Green.
With creamy triangles
touching at the center.
All balanced on a slender, delicate stem.

Hidden in the midst of the ordinary.
And it reminded me of people:
Most are of the three-leaf variety,
but some, some special ones, grow differently,
with four leaves.
And sometimes, you have to search really hard to find them,
among the clusters of the mundane.

Like the symbols I compare them to,
they may bring you luck.
If you find them, cherish them;
press them in your memory book,
return to them when you need their magic.
Because sometimes, we all need a little luck.

~ C.L.R. ~

~ Ode to Michelangelo~

The power of a touch,

Creation.

A man,

In repose,

Reaches upward towards his God.


Awesome strength --

The elasticity and power

Of intangible muscles.

Intense vibrations

Of physical prowess,

Combined with the delicacy

Of a creative, vain perfectionist.

Rippling energy extends

From the outstretched hand,

Not yet touching,

But at the moment of climax,

The explosion of Life -- of the first breath.

A billowing cloud of angels forms the backdrop,

For this,

The Everlasting Entity.


The Earth,

His spine and heart,

The breath of his creator,

His air.

He awaits,

Silently,

The first touch

That will animate him,

And lead him onward, ever onward,

Toward his descendants,

And the ultimate fall

Of sin...


~ C.L.R. ~

~ Cheshire Moon ~

The moon wears a Cheshire Cat grin tonight,
As if mocking the strobes,
Of heat-lightning which flash,
On the opposite side of the night sky.

The first drop of rain has not fallen,
Nor sounded the first, distant peal of thunder.
The frogs, in their ghostly chorus,
Are glad that so far, it's only a light show.

And I, looking into that starry void,
On the eve of the first of April,
Am I but another fool?
I wished on Rigel tonight.

I see that pale, illuminated smile,
Waxing into madness, perhaps.
After all, we're all mad here.
The only place left to go is back,
To the frontal lobe.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2006

~ Filling the Void ~

What causes such need to fill the void?
What sweet ache are we denied?
How many puzzle pieces do we seek,
to fill the holes inside?
And it cannot be just any piece,
the fit has to be perfect, exact...
else the emptiness escapes, around the edges,
and the void is still intact.
We try to get by with which "filler" works,
not realizing the hole is still there.
And when the "filler" fully fails,
is when we again become aware.
Ever seeking that perfect fit,
to make us completely whole.
Knowing it's out there, but unable to find it,
blinded by the quest of the soul.
So we always search the universe,
trying to fill the voids inside.
Not realizing we must heal ourselves,
and by reality's truth abide.
Find the courage to fill the empty spaces,
with joy and not regret.
To forgive the ones who caused the holes,
and find smiles we haven't met.
Friends and love can fill the voids
more solidly than any could know.
They can lift us up and make us whole,
and complete our world "just so".
There is no such thing as perfection,
but if I had a wish to make,
it would be that all of us find that perfect friend or love,
and find perfect peace and joy for Love's sake.

To all my friends, you help complete me. Thank you.

~ C.L.R. ~

Feed Your Mind

This is something I think about often and try to remain aware of. I'm sharing it with the rest of whoever reads it, so that maybe more people will think about it, too.

Life is made up of experiences. Most of those experiences are transmitted through the five senses. So what we see, touch, feel, smell and hear are what create our life experiences, for the most part.

Do you ever think about what you feed your mind?

Believe it or not, you can mostly choose what it is that you put into your head. Whatever you put into your head (whether it's news, movies, music, books, etc. ad infinitum) leaves a residue. Just because you finish watching a movie doesn't mean your mind isn't still processing it. In fact, the opposite is usually true. The subconscious remembers things long after the conscious has decided that those things are 'filed info.' or irrelevant or not needed.

So...since you have a choice of what to put into your head...what kind of diet are you feeding your mind? Whether you're a news junkie, a movie maven, a music maniac, a soap opera fan or a porn addict, the residue remains...and it can and does affect a person. When you consider it, why wouldn't it affect you? Of course it does.

What kind of reality are you creating for yourself, and what kind of experience are you creating by what you choose to put into your head? Are you feeding it something that increases your ego or is strictly self-serving? Or are you looking for a way to use what you put into your head to help the world or help others?

What are you feeding your mind? Is it starving for something else?

Do you even care?

You have the choice. What choice will you make?

~ Cosmic D.J. ~

Who plays these changes, Daddio?
Who twists our fates then
Lets them go?
Time spins out in an endless line,
Chasing reason, after season
Of nonsense rhyme.
The beat gets switched
Before you even have the chance to get a good feel
For the dance.
All of Life's song is one big Change --
You adapt, or go crazy
Trying to accept the strange syncopation
In Life's odd creation,
Trying to force the melody to fit
Into the song you hear in your mind.
Because it won't.
Ever.
And I find, at the end of this day,
I'm sickened by too many changes,
Too fast.
Who plays these changes, Daddio?
Why can't the best songs ever last?
Trying to find the voice that wants to sing,
And still survive this ever-changing thing called "Life".
Color me tired of so many "false starts",
Done with never-ending "ends".
I'm finished with
The broken hearts,
Selfish, untrue lovers,
And most of all, done
With "fair-weather friends".

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ How? ~

Someone tell me what it's all about,
Because I'd really like to know.
These ins and outs and ill-defined doubts,
So tell me where is it that the truth
Won't go?
Which way is out?
Through?
"The only way out is through."
But the looking glass shattered
A long time ago.
So how do I get back again
To where I was, and what I knew
Before life's mirror cracked for good,
Before I met my downfall...you.
"Time heals all wounds" they tell me.
"Replace him with someone new."
"Distract yourself with someone else."
But then I'd be a user, too. :(
So if someone has the answer,
I'd really, really like to know.
How do you fight yourself and win?
How do you fall out of love
And let him go?

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

Isn't it funny?

Life is funny, sometimes. Just when you think you have it under control, it will throw you a curveball. Just when you think there's no understanding it, you gain an insight into something or learn something new. I think it's all about balance and finding the right balance that works for you, as an individual. Keeping said balance is another story, entirely - which is where adaptation comes in.

As human beings, we learn, we adapt, we change, we grow. That's the whole process of Life, in a nutshell, and it only stops when we've taken our last breath...at least here in this plane, this realm, this world. So, as reinforcement of this very idea, I'm posting something that someone sent to me, for everyone who reads this to think about. Take from it what you will.

Imagine. . . .

There is a bank that credits your account
each morning with $86,400.
It carries over NO balance from day to day.
Every evening, whatever part of the balance
that you failed to use during the day is deleted.
What would you do?
Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!!!


Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off -- as lost -- whatever of this
that you have failed to use well.
It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.



Each day it opens a new account for you.
Each night it erases the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.


There is no going back. There is no drawing against
the "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits.
Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health,
happiness, and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today.


To realize the value of ONE YEAR,
ask a student who failed a grade.


To realize the value of ONE MONTH,
ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.


To realize the value of ONE WEEK,
ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.


To realize the value of ONE HOUR,
ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.


To realize the value of ONE MINUTE,
ask a person who missed the train.


To realize the value of ONE-SECOND,
ask a person who just avoided an accident.


To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND,
ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.


Treasure every moment that you have!
And treasure it more because you shared it with
someone special -- special enough to spend your time.


And remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!!!

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.
They make you smile and encourage you to
succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word
of praise, and they want to open their heart to you.
They are lovingly honest with you.

~ Purple Crocus ~

A little, purple crocus,
Was the first sign of spring, for me.
It poked its head up through the ground
And waited for me to see.
It knew purple was my favorite color,
And just wanted me to know,
It was sweet, like me,
And gave me a smile
When I was feeling low.
Bright orange, fuzzy stamens
Cupped inside the velvet flower,
Whispered that all was not lost,
That I was alive another hour
So I'd better make the most of it
Before the sun had flown.
To think a little, purple flower,
Could remind me

Of this simple truth,
I've known.
~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ The Self-Defense of Nothingness ~

Caught in this state

Of consciousness,

This search for the lighter side of being,

The way out of this grey-filled mess,

To a place where I'm not caught between

Love and hate,

Or else, apathy.

Where the system of thought

Has shut down and gone dim,

And the thought of thinking,

Sinking the desire to try to swim,

Toward the light.

But even then, the hope still floats

And won't do what it ought,

Or chokes the throats

Of unseen tears and the constant fight.

Still…the spirit of survival refuses

To give up or give in and so

What it chooses,

Is this nebulous reality of in-between;

Caught twixt love and hate,

And the apathy I know,

And the desire of the dream.

The outside keeps trying

While the inside is dying,

And the mind fights for freedom

Of the heart's cruel cries.

But for every step forward,

The battle causes two back,

While the soul referees toward

A place where everything comes from,

And only blank nothingness lies.




I think,

I am forgetting what it means to be human.


~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ I Never Claimed To Be An Angel ~

I never claimed to be an angel,
And I make my fair share of mistakes.
But my quest for simple honesty
is what separates
me
from
the fakes.

I never claimed to be an angel.
I'm just a human being: Real.
I can't help it.
I was born this way.
And because of that,
I feel.

I never claimed to be an angel.
Never wanted a pedestal's place.
I knew the ground at the bottom
was hard.
And I never wanted

that fall
from grace.

I never claimed to be an angel,
but I try my best to live.
I can't help it if

I sometimes fail,
when I hurt
and can't
forgive.

I never claimed to be an angel,
I only wanted to be number one.
I wanted to matter

to the one I loved,
but broken trust is hard to be
undone.

I never claimed to be an angel,
I just wanted to truly be cherished:
To be somebody's "baby" for REAL,
but with each new hurt,
that romantic hope
perished.

I never claimed to be an angel,
Never wanted to sit in judgment, no.
I'm in no way perfect,
So how could I judge?
But the deception and porn
hurt more

than anyone
could know.

I never claimed to be an angel,
But I try to do the best I can.
Maybe someday

I'll have
the only man I love,
and he'll love me, too,
for the human woman
I am.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ The Mask, Revealed ~

In the silent space of nothingness, my thoughts refuse to dwell.
Always shout to get out, yearning, learning
To escape the void of silent hell.
I've learned that it wasn't love, but lust
Which motivated the boy.
Just another user, a loser and a liar, as well.
I have the courage to forget that past,
Just as he has forgotten me.
Cut the ties which bound me fast
And kept me prisoner in misery.
Shallow surface of mask revealed,
The truth always makes itself known in the end.
And it makes this burden easier to bear,
Knowing I was just gullible,
And fell for a "friend".
I was just a number to him.
Just another notch on his lust-driven bed.
And yet, if it weren't for my kindness or love,
It's likely he could have ended up dead.
But what does that matter to a sadist?
They used us, and they played us,
For the fools we are, blind.
And then some of them wonder why
We have such horrible opinions of their kind?
Because of the selfish users and takers
And the wrecks they thoughtlessly leave behind.
So, this writing serves as my sounding board,
Since the coward doesn't have the guts to speak.
He's "safe" in his narcissist's silent shell,
Uncaring, unwilling to change or seek
The truth that lies behind his mask -
An empty, hollow, lonely boy,
Who uses women to sate his lust
Who treats them all as just another toy.
If it wasn't so pathetic, I'd laugh.
And take comfort in the knowledge that he's just a fake.
Common, unworthy, a dime-a-dozen,
Just another lying, lowly snake.
I'm glad that I discovered the truth, at last:
That he wasn't special, or worth my time.
All my effort was wasted, just another mistake,
No more tears for a sadistic, shallow mime
Whose words and talk were all he was,
With no actions to ever prove them true, or real.
That he wasn't worth knowing,
That he's already stopped growing,
Stuck forever a child, and afraid to feel.
All the words out of his mouth, just wind,
He's always been a fair-weather "friend".
Real people will eventually stop hearing his voice,
He refuses to open his spiritual eyes,
And lives in a fantasy land he calls 'home',
And in the end,
He'll end up trapped in his lies,
And old and withered, he'll be all alone.
That's sad, but that's his selfish choice.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

Co-Post with Dfysgrvty

This is what I'll call a "mirror" poem. I wrote a poem, and Dfysgrvty wanted to respond to it with a poem of his own. So here is the resulting "mirror". Enjoy.

The Infinite "Shades" of Gray AWT FIT


The world may not always be

blacks and whites. We may have colors, too.
And it is in the grays ... of that starry night's haze
Where one discovers an overcast light blinking through
One's "values". One's stellar ways
Tones, tints and shades, in a spectacular array of grades made
The way the light takes the night. A kaleidoscope,
Grows the way a beam counter knows
Or fades, a way to show the angles of an angel
And the darkness throwin a curve on fightin night,
Adds dimension, We choose our battles tonight
Weight. the reason we live for…
The eternal war wishes and flashbacks…
Of concretes or abstracts. scrimmages that we twist towards.
Nebulous images, God's mirror glass that never shines on
The gray refracts equal sides where equality slides on and
Both sides, fits them into- a sphere that spins them into
Twists them into something hiding here;
Convincing illusions, follow neither, says the leader
To either follow one in a star's war,
Or the other, Why don't we contemplate?
Or Wait. displaying that constellation
It's the grays defining ledges
Which define the edges in a night that hides the day
Of "values" Takes in light and fades away
Both light and dark. still sittin still in those times
We all walk those lines, When we do walk those lines
At times. these who linger
But those who linger, by the book and the finger
Living always of a daze, bending and defending
In the grays, that mystery of the blindside
Never choosing a side, is it better than choosing to hide
Staying indecisive, and of those with the courage
Those without the courage failing to sustain any inflictions
Of any convictions, will fail too, be impaled too
Without belief likeness in armor and valor
In strong "values"… dueling, fall from the shoulder

They
Will fade into oblivion
And be forever lost
To Fate.

Those are the real
Ghosts: without fear or fear of color

The true infinite "shades" of gray.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007 Dfysgrvty © 2007

Steel Heart: A Ponderance

It's been said that "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Sometimes, just to survive life's tests takes more than luck or skill. At times, it requires extreme courage ~ to be wise and strong enough to make the right choice, even if it breaks our hearts. To be far-sighted enough, intuitive enough, to make the best choice for the future. But to also be near-sighted enough to recognize the pain we might have to endure to get there. And be brave enough to face it anyway. It may, at times, hurt so much that we wish the test would kill us.

Trial by Fire ~ to endure and survive is to become tempered, like the steel that is folded hundreds of times. We survive, and we sometimes learn, if we are lucky. There are times when the lesson escapes us, and we must be tempered, folded, again and again ~ in the hopes that we finally learn and are stronger for the knowledge.

Each one of us has different trials and tests to face in life, unique to us as individuals, and yet, most are lessons in humanity ~ what it means to be human. No situation is so unique that someone, somewhere, at some time, has not had to deal with the exact same problem. How we deal with it determines if the lesson sticks.

"What does not kill us makes us stronger." Hearts can be broken, over and over, but in the end, what does not forever still the passion inside, makes the heartbeat stronger, louder...and ultimately wiser.

It has also been said that "The hardest part of holding on...is letting go". The more often you have to let go of things or people that you love, the harder it seems to get to hold on to them, in my experience. But the concept is still true, none the less. We never truly "own" anything, except ourselves and our actions or reactions to the rest of the world. I'm not talking about material possessions, either. I'm talking about the things which really matter in this world...friends, family, mates...people. And pets, of course.

"Ownership" or "possession" is simply an illusion of this world. And control is the penultimate illusion, because the only person you can control is you. And even then...you have to be able to "let go" of that control sometimes, in order to discover what is truly worth "holding on to" in your life. So many times, we don't discover what's important, what's really worth holding on to in life, until it's already too late. And while the lesson may finally "stick", it comes at the high price of loss.

So the Steel Heart gets wiser and stronger. But with that wisdom and knowledge has to come acceptance - of the fact that nothing lasts forever. And with that acceptance comes sadness, because it means that Robert Frost was right when he said "Nothing gold can stay." THAT is the lesson. Nothing lasts forever, whether it's a family bond, a friendship or a relationship...and in order to have anything "real", you have to accept that it will at some point be gone or changed forever. You'll have to "let it go". It never really "belonged" to you in the first place.

Steel Hearts are the strongest and truest. They have had to be, in order to survive. But I also think, sometimes, that they are the saddest.

~ The Need For Wings ~

The edge is never
A safe place to be.
There is always a fall
To one side
Or the other,
Or else be cut
From walking a sharp line.

The higher the pedestal,
The farther the fall,
And the edge?
Well it's the highest
Of them all.
No matter how much
You shine,
No matter what you claim
As "Mine",
You'll discover the truth anyway
When you finally reach
The bottom.

Because it's never safe
To walk the edge,
Unless you have some kind
Of safety net,
Or tether,
Or whether you have wings enough
To carry you close
To the sun
Without fear of them melting away
Into nothingness.

Skirt the edge of madness
If you're able.
And count yourself lucky
To survive a fall
From grace,
Or what passes for it
At the top.
And the next time,
You have a choice
Between choosing a side
Or walking the edge,
Maybe you can just
Choose
To fly above all of it....
~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ Tribute to T.S. Eliot ~

Eliot is one of the greats. In an attempt to pay tribute to his poem, "The Hollow Men", I've written a similar poem with a bit of a twist.

~ The Shallow Men ~

I.




We are the shallow men

We are the plastic men

Lying together

Headpiece filled with fantasy. Alas!

Our fickle voices, when

We deceive together

Are convincing but meaningless

As dot matrixes and words

Or paint pixels airbrushed over real bodies

In our secret cellar of the soul




Shape with form, color without substance,

Self-made force, motion without emotion;




Those who have witnessed

With direct minds, to pleasure's other Kingdom

Remember us -- if you do -- not as real

Caring souls, but only

As the shallow men

The plastic men.




II.




Women I dare not meet in life

In pleasure's dream kingdom

These do appear:

There, the women are

Clad in sheer nothingness

There, is a webcam showing

And bodies are

In the mind's knowing

More distant and unreal caress

Than a faking porn star.




Let me be no closer

In pleasure's dream kingdom

Let me also don

Such intentional masks

Dog's slobber, Snakeskin, swollen staff

In a darkened room

Behaving on Lust's behalf

No closer --


Not that casual meeting

In the fantasy kingdom.




III.




This is the fake land

This is the practice land

Here the camera's images

Are shown, here they receive

The stroking of a lusty man's hand

Under the faint light of a computer screen.




It is like this

In pleasure's other kingdom

Being alone

At the hour when we are

Craving the fantasy

Lips that would kiss

Form exhalations of broken grunts.




IV.




The women are here

There are women everywhere, here

In this 2-D world of shooting stars

In this shallow valley

This broken heart of our forsaken kingdoms




In this fakest of meeting places

We fondle together

And avoid intimacy

Gathered on this information super-highway




Emotionless, unless

The soul reappears

As the real life woman

Many-hued, faceted being

of life's true kingdom

The only hope

of shallow men.




V.




Here we go round the prickly truth

Prickly truth prickly truth

Here we go round the prickly truth

At three o'clock in the morning.




Between the concept

And the doing

Between no emotion

And the action

Falls the Deception




For Mine is the Kingdom




Between the energy

And the climax

Between the disrespect

And the using

Falls the Deception




Orgasm is not very long




Between the lust

And the release

Between the potential

And the reality

Between the legs

And the sheets

Falls the Deception

For Mine is the Kingdom




For Mine is

Pleasure is

For Mine is the




This is the way the real love ends

This is the way the real love ends

This is the way the real love ends

Not with a voice but a keystroke.


~ C.L.R. ~

~ Misanthropic Flagellation ~

Black, Blue, and Blood,

Discordia reigns,

Forcing submission, acceptance,

Of all of the intangible, abstract, nebulous

Heart-ache I rail against.

Removing any choices,

Taking away freedom

And imprisoning me

Within self-imposed isolation.

This heart has been raped

By another's thoughtless ego.


The passion refuses to submit, accept.

It shifts forms, morphs - sometimes obsession,

Sometimes veiling itself as apathy.

Denial.

Repression.

Regression.

Aggression.

None resemble a workable solution.


Constant inner turmoil grinds,

Wears away, erodes the ability

To even care, anymore.

Numbness,

Leads to

Dumbness,

Leads to

Desperation to simply escape.


No one human being

Is worth this depth of

Emotion.

And Time proposes

Snake-oil remedies

For a wound still raw,

Which aches to be just another scar.


~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ The Infinite Shades of Grey ~

The world may not always be blacks and whites.

And it is in the grays

Where one discovers

One's "values".

Tones, tints and shades,

The way the light

Grows

Or fades,

And the darkness

Adds dimension,

Weight.


The eternal war

Of concretes or abstracts.

Nebulous images,

The gray refracts

Both sides,

Twists them into

Convincing illusions,

To either follow one

Or the other,

Or Wait.


It's the grays

Which define the edges

Of "values"

Both light and dark.

We all walk those lines,

At times.

But those who linger,

Living always

In the grays,

Never choosing a side,

Staying indecisive,

Those without the courage

Of any convictions,

Without belief

In strong "values"…

They

Will fade into oblivion

And be forever lost

To Fate.


Those are the real

Ghosts:

The true infinite "shades" of gray.


~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

Re-post of "Special People"

A dear friend once sent this to me, and I am sharing it again with all of you who read it. It's hard to remember it, sometimes, but I think it's absolute Truth. I don't know who wrote it but I am glad they did.

~ Special People ~


"People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life."
~ Anonymous

~ Fool's Lament for the Hanged Man ~

Round and round,
Thoughts lost and found,
And it never, ever ends.
Did I believe that we'd
Really, somehow STAY friends?

Yeah, I did.
More the fool, me, then.

I wish I could erase,
Your precious, sweet face,
From the dreams that never quit.
You've already forgotten me, though,
And left ME to deal with this shit.

And I try.
More the fool, me, then.

So many questions that end
In nothing but silence, my..."friend".
So I have to find closure somehow,
Without your answers,
Which don't matter now.

If they ever did.
More the fool, me, then,
For asking and believing you'd care
Enough to answer.

Your empathy died,
And I guess you just lied,
Because all you are is "talk".
Your actions tell the real truth, though,
And you just don't "walk the walk".

What do YOU know of cold silence?
Or what it does to confidence?
I thought you understood, but no,
You just said what I wanted to hear,
Then you let me go.

Or, rather, pushed me from your life.
More the fool, me, then,
For loving you and believing you cared,
Even then.

Yeah, I was completely "snowed" by you,
Does it feel good to know you used me, too?
Are you happy that you killed this heart?
Or like a sadist,
Ripped my world apart?

Your silence says you are.
More the fool, me, then,
For thinking I EVER mattered.

Stay silent behind your mask, tonight.
And convince yourself you were right.
Cower in the shadow of your ego's star,
And tremble, knowing
That the surface is ALL that you are.

More the fool, me,
For thinking you'll read this
And it will sink in.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

~ Terminal Velocity ~

Welcome to the twenty-first century!
We've got everything you need!
Drugs, sex, alcohol and more!
Pick your poison,
ascertain your antidote,
Just remember:
Nothing's free!
Oh, you'll pay the price of choice,
my friend,
and never understand,
that the price you pay
is much too "high"
for a sober, thinking mind.

Infused with images!
Bombarded by propaganda,
it's hard to choose indecision.
Live fast, die faster, but
have fun doing it!
A fool's motto?
Or a credible idea,
given the choice
of belonging to the mob of mankind,
or being trampled if you dare
to slow down?

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2003

~ I Am ~

Eternal fascination,
and a wild capitulation,
to explore, define and fathom
ancient depths of life and death.

A steel core in velvet lining,
that is always softly pining,
for truth and understanding of worlds
beyond my last and final breath.

A Master of the Dance,
of sexual mystery and chance,
filled to overflowing with desire
to deeply drink the soul.

Endless passion, swift and steep,
A raging, rushing river deep,
that defies imagination,
and just barely held in control.

The ability to soar,
and to forever reach for more,
Raw,thrumming power to ascend
to heights no one has ever been.

Scarred from battles of the past,
and from things too good to last,
The paths I choose have always
been the ones less seen.

A haunted, hunting beast,
stalking the ever-elusive feast
of knowledge glimpsed by mortals
only rarely in this life.

On the quest to find but one,
who understands, but does not shun,
the soul I offer up so freely,
always stabbed by the hidden knife.

Yet, once I give the truth of being,
it seems to always send them fleeing
for the safety of ignorance behind
their well-constructed masks.

A steadfast, but lonely tower,
that will weather every hour
of suffering, tears and sorrow
as a mountain bears a storm.

A retreat of solitude,
that's been broken, patched and glued,
and made stronger with the mortar
of emotion, pain and dreams.

It's been battered, beaten down,
but ever rises from the ground
like a phoenix that flares bright
with flames of hope and triumphant screams.

An artistic, creative inner eye,
that always seeks the reasons "why"
and never seems to find a good
answer to the question.

With a razor-sharp perception,
it penetrates the best deception,
for it counsels me to listen,
watch and learn.

An honest, passionate soul,
seeking the part to complete the whole,
Wondering if the piece is only
in my imagination.

So, to you, I say, "My friend...
if you have grasped this to its end,
then perhaps you have a hint
of who it is I truly am."

You see, this poem is "liquid soul",
and in reading it you now hold
a gift I give to precious few,
and that even fewer understand.....
~ C.L.R. ~ © 2003

~ The Dead Wasp ~

Dried, withered, desiccated, dead,

Husk of a busy life of flight.

With hollow eyes

And black wings bent back,

There is a dead wasp stuck

In the screen.

Forever trapped between

The inside and outside,

Like me.

There is a dead wasp stuck

In the screen

Of the frame of my heartache.

Caught in the present,

Where "used to be's" don't fly,

Anymore.

He's dead, but he still

Keeps stinging me.

And I have to wonder,

If it was the sun that killed him?

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2007

Just random thoughts...

Sometimes I think the world would be a much better place if everyone was born blind. Yeah, I know that society as we know it would probably completely break down. But maybe that's what's needed. If people couldn't see, they would be forced to judge others by what was inside...not led by lust or basing impressions and opinions just on the outer shell.

Gods, what a blow that would be to all the self-centered, egotistical narcissists out there! :) They would all be forced to deal with everyone on a level playing field for once...and be forced to realize that the world did NOT revolve around them...*sigh* Yeah, that would be nice....

* * *

Which leads me to my next thought.

Is there a man out there who honestly doesn't love porn?

I say "honestly", because I know men are all visually stimulated creatures, and most of them will lie to women about it, when asked. But seriously, is there a decent guy out there who would totally give up the fantasy of porn for something real, something deeper, something...*gasp*...meaningful? Such a shallow, superficial pursuit/past-time and soooo many guys addicted to it.

I really have to wonder if there is a guy like that out there, somewhere? And it's even about more than just moral values...really, it is...it's about respect, and whether women are viewed just as sexual objects (even if you call them objects de art, that's a transparent justification for lust). Would any man give up the fantasy for something real?

* * *

Reality is subjective, and it depends on the lens through which we view it. So, how is it, then, that two strangers can subjectively perceive the same thing? We can agree a sky full of thunderheads is a storm waiting to be born, or a chair is a chair, but at what point do they become "real"? When we perceive them through our senses? And once something is perceived...does it then exist? Or did it exist separately and apart from anyone's perception of it? If it's all energy anyway, then why wouldn't it?

*another sigh* I think too freakin' much. Why wonder? Well...because maybe someday...someone will be able to give me some answers. Answers would be nice.

~ The Darker Side of the Full Moon ~

The full moon's pale face holds sway,
over what, I fear to think.
That washed out, glowing orb
that dangles from an invisible thread
above.

I was born on a full moon.
But I have also ridden its mad face,
run with what feverish shadows it creates.
Never knowing what might ambush me next.
Trying not to follow illusions,
for that is what moonshadows are.

Perhaps in the full light of day
the madness will wane.
Maybe the moon will die again.
And there will be no hidden agendas,
no secrets, no doubts, no fear, no turbid, churning, troubled
hearts, no sly mind's whisper to break me.

The full moon cares not.
She is an elusive, ill-tended demon,
wrapped in a beckoning lie of innocence.
That hollow, haunting, mocking face one sees...
is not a man in the moon, oh no.
It is a woman. THE woman.
Dark Hecate, Lilith, Ischtar...
Lilitu, Lamaschtu, Lamia...
your hidden, unpredictable,
sinister side...has tried to capture me
again.

Why dost thou plague me?
What insult have I given thee to stab at me so?
Your dark, malevolent revelations do naught
but hurt, drive this tempered blade of jet
deeper...into a mind that only sought love
and peace...
and having found it, have I made thee jealous?
Have I wakened the temptress from slumber?

'Twas not a challenge issued, Dark Goddess.
Though frightened, I have found my spark,
my courage, my faith.
Love will survive what tests you devise,
deem, plot and hurl in front of me.
It will stand firm in resolve to be
brought to fruition.
You will not stop it,
though you try.

There are times when I love the full moon.
But there are times when I sense the dangers,
when the darker, hidden voice of her speaks to me,
in broken glass filled whispers, unveiled threats of life.
And when threatened...I can do nothing
but continue to try to seek the light,
without fail. That will be the one thing
that shall save me.

Hic Amor Custodire. Amabo te.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2004

~ The Unicorn's Child ~

I first found the glade on a misty morn,

And gazed in wonder, as the sun was born.

I'd been hiking along a steep ravine,

Enjoying my journey of deepest green,

Flanked by limestone and ferns. The morning dew

Spangled a web, and as I peered through

The screen of thicket, my heart skipped a beat.

The sight which greeted me rooted my feet.

There, in an ancient ring of sacred Oaks,

Lay a unicorn. Her shimmering coat

Had been sullied by charcoal ash and soot,

The silken mane burnt, and tangled with roots.

Her poor eyes were puffed, blistered pink from fire,

Her silver horn tarnished, a blackened spire.

As I gaped at the legend, living proof,

The beast protectively curled one strong hoof

Around a small bundle. Pain-filled eyes stared

At me with bright warning, and as I dared

To creep closer, her proud head arched around

To nuzzle her treasure. There, on the ground

Near her singed belly, slept a swaddled babe.

Content, it rested. The child had been saved.

The mythical mother mare showed no fear,

And pity broke my heart. Two shining tears

Slipped from her once long-lashed eyes to the grass

Below her soft, trembling form. Then she passed

Back into the realm of magical beasts.

As she faded, the sun rose in the east,

Blazing tribute, paying homage to her

Sacrifice. And now, as I watch you stir

From sleep, your golden curls framing your face,

I remember her mystical, quiet grace.

I'm thankful I found you, so long ago,

The time is approaching when you should know.

You'll ask me soon, "Momma, what makes me so wild?"

I'll answer, "Because you're the Unicorn's Child."

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2004

~ Purge ~

Now it comes to this.

Deleting all memory.

Purging all defective content.

Pondering all false input.

And wondering what it meant.

Hacking this unprotected soul.

The virus Love did spread.

It killed my heart,

and took its toll.

Now all the files are dead.

No fire-walls to keep it out.

No anti-spam for Love.

Just a ghost in the machine,

a dream of wires,

Now the circuits will not move.

Frozen into uselessness.

And replaced by a newer style.

Updated material.

Newer "soft"ware

to remove the defective

file.

All wrapped in your tangled,

twisted lies.

The errors just blink red.

Send the pictures to the

Recycle Bin.

Erase all false words said.

This computer needs an overhaul.

A new set of "hard" ware, too.

When I finish de-fragging

this fool's broken heart,

I'll finally have purged

all that's you.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2003

~ Truth: Part 1 ~

If one could see behind this gaze,

all shrink from what seems hollow.

The icy stare, the glassy daze,

and numbness soon to follow...



Necessity demands it.



Self-preservation of this soul,

a selfish means to an end?

What then, of all I've given ~ whole,

yet cannot fathom, selfless friend?



Sanity asks it.



The shattered heart now empty,

but the tears have not run dry.

What's left but echoes of true love,

to let go with a silent goodbye?



Emotion begs it.



Having followed forever the way of my heart,

and to mine own self been true,

back to beginning, but lost from the start,

and hopelessly "tangled up in blue"....



Memory sings it.



God, if you're there and listening,

then take pity on this lost spirit.

I humbly plead, eyes glistening,

for one particular soul to hear it.



Spirit questions it.



And faded into deepness, now,

a silent, numbing reverie.

Hope's quiet voice is lost somehow,

and simply ero, "I shall be"...



Wisdom accept it.
~ C.L.R. ~ © 2005

~ Novacaine ~

If all is grey,

then name me ghost.

We hurt the ones we love

the most.

And in the shadows' mist

be seeming,

all that was,

is worth redeeming.

Winds of change

will ever shift,

so formless,

in the fog I drift.

The tears have dried

and in their place,

exists a hollow,

empty space.

All I wanted was love,

and chased my dream,

till dreaming died

in a silent scream.

And though this timid heart

be torn,

to follow it,

I'm damned and sworn.

Ever doomed

to seek the Dance,

yet never having

half a chance.

But all be numb

and fade away,

for feeling, emotion,

died this day.

Only hope will get me by,

and novacaine

be just a lie.

Peace, oh frightened heart

within,

just bring my true love

back again.

For only answers

cloaked in time,

will quench the fire

and quell the rhyme.

To this, I have

no answers yet.

I only want one thing:

to keep my Ka-tet....

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2003

~ The Farthest Shore ~

If I could reach the Farthest Shore,

and sail the infinite seas of Forever,

I'd close my memory on Death's cold door,

and put heart and soul into every endeavor.

If I could stop these tears that fall,

escape this torturous, self-imposed cage,

I'd gather each one, and save them all,

to drown the pain with an unfeeling rage.

Always striving for the light through the veil,

always reaching for what I can't have.

And this human condition almost assures that I'll fail,

while hope acts as a sedative salve.

Where is the angel to grant me cold solace?

Where now, is the armored, white knight?

Where is the one who can answer all this?

Can anyone make the wrongs right?

I ask, and yet, they always run.

Afraid of a woman like me.

Scared of my honesty, accepted by none.

Yet, I know not what else I can be....

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2006

~ Enemy of Creativity ~

How many hours have I wasted,
in a glass and plastic box?
My mind, doing time, in a prison
devoid of any locks.
How many hours spent sitting,
on a now numb rooted ass?
How many stories of fictional lives,
have I watched as time ticked past?
Countless murders, sitcoms and news,
with dot matrixes fogging my brain.
I am not the zombie I appeared to be,
yet sometimes, even I couldn't refrain.
Brainwashed by images and words;
an umbilical cord, the remote.
But then my favorite show would come on,
so that would be all I wrote.
Nevermore! the poet in me cried,
and began to write in haste.
I shut the T.V. off for good,
no more precious time to waste!
For time is all we're given, friends,
Spend it how you choose.
But while you watch, your life is passing,
each minute, one you forever lose.

~ C.L.R. ~ © 2003

~ The Dreamer's Reply ~

As I sat in sullen silence,
pondering Reality's Tale,
a gentle muse came drifting in,
her innocence a subtle veil.

She softly sat beside me
and questioned, "Why so sad, my friend?"
I looked upon her thoughtfully
and replied, "I'm awake, at dreaming's end."

"You've given up on dreaming?
What could cause this hopeless state?"
Her questions begged for answers,
and so I didn't make her wait.

"Reality has been cold to me,"
I said with a shaky voice.
"It made me see that dreamers
have a sad and painful choice."

"No matter the height I set my dreams,
Reality pulls me back to earth.
I want so much to believe in Love,
to know Faith and Hope's true worth."

"But every time I seek these things,
away from me they fly.
I stay aloft on dreamer's wings,
then Reality makes me cry."

"So if all I get is illusions,
then what point is there in belief?
I just want some satisfaction,
and yet all I get is grief."

The muse laid her hand upon my cheek,
and wiped away the tears that fell.
Her voice was kind, compassionate,
as her answer to me she did tell.

"Sweet one," she gently addressed me.
"The point is that you still keep trying.
For every dream of yours that fails,
another one will keep thee flying."

"Ever follow your heart, my friend.
Though it may continue to break,
the rewards that true Love can offer you
are worth the risks you take."

"Always remember that Hope can save,
and Faith can sometimes keep you going.
Though life is hard, and Reality harsher,
take comfort in this truth's knowing."

"Never give up what's important to you.
Dreamers accomplish some great things, you see.
If those Dreamers of the past had given up,
tell me, where would the present world be?"

"It takes such strength to be a Dreamer,
when the rest of the world is cold, it seems.
But it's us that keep the Light alive
so please don't give up on your dreams."

~ C.L.R. ~
© 2004

~ Reality's Tale ~

Reality told me a story tonight,
It said that only dreamers bleed.
Being a dreamer once, myself,
I listened, my wisdom to feed.

"The trouble with dreamers," it told me,
"Is that all of them choose to be blind.
They ignore the signs I show them,
turn away when my harsh truth they find."

Reality had my attention, and more,
it gained logic's respectful due.
I sat back to ponder and listen again
and the words it spoke rang true.

"You see," it said. "They think with their hearts,
and their clarity of mind becomes lost.
They live with their heads caught up in the clouds,
and never contemplate paying my cost."

"When back to the cold earth they fall again,
they still whine and wonder why
their tender hearts get oh, so broken
and then all they can do is cry."

The last was said with a weary disgust
that mankind should be so naive.
"Then what," I asked, "about Faith and Trust?"
It answered, "Only a way to deceive."

"The truth is never pretty," it sighed.
"But an action will disprove a word."
I sat there listening with a once dreamer's ear,
my heart wishing it hadn't just heard.

I questioned, "Then what of Love and Hope?
Are not these vital ideals real?"
It answered, "Part of reality? Nope!
Just illusions that all dreamers feel."

I frowned in saddened frustration,
wanting to dispute all the things it had said.
My heart was arguing loudly
with the voice inside my head.

The experience Reality had shown me
said that all its words were truth.
Hard wisdom gained had jaded me
and stilled the dreams of youth.

"I don't know all the answers," said I,
as the bloodied Dreamer's teardrops ran.
"I wanted a world where I could have both,
but I don't know that I can."

Taking its leave, Reality spoke,
without turning back, whispered to me.
"When you finally wake from fool's dreaming," it said,
"Then my truth will indeed set you free."
~ C.L.R. ~
© 2004

~ A Falconer's Moment ~

I have borne witness to
the joy,
the freedom,
the power and strength
in hollow bones and feathers.
Taloned feet
that grip and crush,
yet wings that float
to the top of the world.
Sharp eyes that fathom
depths of air.
From heights of glory,
a streamlined structure
dives
back to earth,
faster than a man can run.
With a glove,
a hood,
and a few strands of leather,
I have shared moments
with hawks and falcons
that words cannot describe.

~ C.L.R. ~
© 2003

~ Chatter ~

Think
before you
speak.
So much in this world
is chatter.
There are not
always reasons
for
what we say,
yet
silence
says alot.
Television,
Radio,
Everywhere there's the spoken word.
Only here in America
can one hear so much speaking
without anyone
really saying
anything.
It's all
just
so much
chatter.

~ C.L.R. ~
© 2003

~ To Uplift The Spirit and Free The Mind ~

~ To Uplift the Spirit and Free the Mind ~..
I wait and watch for falling stars,
in the liquid still of night.
To wish upon them one by one,
as they streak and fade from sight.

Bits of heavenly, alien dust,
they carry my hopes and dreams.
And I wish upon them one by one,
as childish as that seems.

Fate can change the stars, it's said,
in the blink of a cosmic eye.
And I wonder about my destiny,
as they shoot across the sky...

The past is but a memory,
the future stays untold.
But if I can wish upon a star,
then my soul shall not grow old.

~ C.L.R. ~
© 2003

~ Like Attracts Like ~

I learned something today which I already knew but had never really consciously applied to my life. Now, I'm going to share it with all of you, so that you can ponder on it awhile, and decide what (if anything) it means to YOU.

The energy we create and attract in our lives is made up of 3 things:

1) Thought (which is an increment of energy that can actually be measured)

2) Feelings/Emotions (which "shape" that energy into positive or negative form) and

3) Actions (which are how we "use" that energy in the world)

If ANY of these 3 things is "missing" or not "in sync" with the other 2, we cannot bring what we really want into being, into our lives. It's more than just "the power of positive thinking", although that's part of it.

"Like attracts like". Positive energy attracts positive energy, and the same holds true of negative energy. The universe has MORE than enough to give to ALL of us...and so I am going to make a more conscious effort to "attract" and "create" the life full of light, laughter, love and peace, success and all the other good things I want in life.

It starts with "thought".

NO MORE looking into the rear-view mirror of Life and wondering "what if...?" or mourning the past (which is already gone and cannot be changed, anyway). I am going to consciously CHOOSE to gain everything I have ever wanted in this life.

~ Life Lessons I Have Learned ~

Life Lessons I Have Learned...

I've decided that my blogs should not only contain creativity and personal expression, but should also be things I can look back upon to remind myself of life experiences.

To that end, possibly the most important blog is going to be one I will probably add to as long as I can. So here are things I have learned and perhaps by sharing them, others will learn, too. You don't have to agree with or believe any of them. They are just "personal truths" that I need to re-visit from time to time to keep the hard-earned wisdom contained herein...

~ Life Lessons I have Learned ~

1. TRUE LOVE is being able to sacrifice what YOU want, so that someone else will have what THEY need.

2. You can't change people. People CAN and DO change, but REAL change comes from within the individual. YOU are the only person you can truly change.

3. Just because you CAN do something, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

4. Live each day as if it were your last; no one knows the future, and none know the date of their death. Live life while you are here, and appreciate all that you have...you never know when it will all be gone.

5. LEARN from the past so that you don't repeat it, but don't allow the past to dictate your future -- in other words, let go of the past (you can't change it, anyway) so that it doesn't hurt your present or your future.

6. Forgiveness is about YOU, not about the person you forgive -- forgive so that YOU can be free of the anger, hate, resentment and negativity associated with whom or what you are forgiving -- don't be a slave to negative emotions.

7. Emotions are neither "good" nor "bad" -- they simply ARE. It's what you DO with them that determines how they affect your life. Don't be ruled by your emotions or feelings -- use them as the tool that they are and learn how to truly identify them.

8. TRUE Acceptance is one of the hardest things you'll ever face: of others, of yourself, of Life on Life's terms. Acceptance is not "giving up" or "giving in" -- it is letting go and letting God. Things are what they are...people are who they are (see lesson # 2 above). It doesn't mean you can't strive for the best (in anything), but the only person and life you can TRULY control or change...is your own. (And actually, God is at the helm, so quit trying to be the Pilot and accept your role as Co-pilot).

9. The only way to slay your inner demons is to face them. If you have issues, emotional baggage and fears, the ONLY way to get rid of them is by facing them head-on. No one else can do it for you. You cannot deal with what you do not acknowledge, and indulging in your demons only feeds them and makes them stronger.

10. No one can "save" you from the bad experiences in life, except you. And by the same token, you cannot "save" anyone else, especially if they don't want to be "saved". And no, I'm not even talking about religion.

11. Happiness and Inner Peace are CHOICES. Life is what you MAKE of it. You dictate your life by the choices you make and only YOU are responsible for those choices. Be adult enough to accept the consequences of the choices you make, and recognize that you won't always make the right choices.

12. Life is a learning process that lasts until we die. You will never know everything you need to know, but you can learn (sometimes over and over again, until the lesson "sticks") and grow your entire life.

13. REAL growth is painful. REAL change is not easy, but it happens anyway, whether you like it or not, whether it hurts or not, whether you accept it or not. Learn to adapt and move WITH the changes of your life, instead of against them...flexibility is "key" to survival (be it physical, emotional, mental or spiritual).

14. Have the courage to match your words with your actions; be CONSISTENT. Talk is cheap and actions speak MUCH louder than words.

15. Make wherever you are a better place for being present there. Make your world a better place because you're there.

16. The best way to help YOURSELF is by helping others -- break out of "selfishness" and the trap of Ego by helping others to do the same. The world does NOT revolve around YOU.

17. Take time to be silent and listen, once in awhile (more often, if possible). You can learn a lot about the world and people through silent observation, and you can learn even more about yourself through quiet meditation, if you take the time to still your restless thoughts and mind.

18. Slow down and learn to experience the joy which comes from the "little things" in life -- a sunrise, the smell of rain, the velvet softness of a flower's bloom, the sound of the wind (which can and does speak, if you know how to listen).

19. Be conscious of your impact in the world -- be self-aware enough to KNOW how your actions affect other people, animals, the EARTH. Each of us may only be a tiny dust particle in the overall universe, but there is a REASON we are here, and we ALL have a responsibility to humanity and the planet. Be conscious of your impact in the world.

20. Truth is subjective, but honesty and integrity cannot be substituted by anything else. A person's "word" (or honesty) and how well he/she keeps it, is an accurate measure of his/her morals, judgment, attitude and worth. Lies and deception only hurt people.

21. Trust cannot be forced, but must be earned with time and then freely given, not coerced. Broken trust is one of the hardest things in the universe to re-build. It CAN be done, but it takes time and a LOT of effort...better and easier not to break it in the first place, if you can help it.

22. Time does NOT heal all wounds -- it CAN heal them, but you have to learn how to quit picking at the scabs and scars (see lesson # 5 above). In other words, you have to have the patience to let Time do the healing it can.

23. No man or woman is an island. As much as you might dislike people, everyone needs other people, in some way. Don't judge the rest of humanity (or the other gender) by the actions of a few. Family and friends are the greatest assets you can acquire in life.

24. Generalization is a tool of weak minds, and stereo-types don't benefit anyone. Be specific, if you must judge people. Even better, don't cast judgment without examining yourself, first.

25. The "Golden Rule" ("Do unto others as you would have them do unto you") is common sense, but recognize and accept that not everyone believes or lives it. Not everyone believes in Karma, or understands how circular the universe really is.

26. Be true to yourself. Have faith in who you are, what you believe and where you're going. That way, when someone challenges your beliefs, you can stand by them and know that you're being true to who you are. Have the courage to think for yourself and not be led by others, make your own decisions and choices and be responsible for them. And more importantly, have the courage to admit when you are wrong.

27. Nothing stays the same or lasts forever, whether it's good or bad, happy or sad...everything has a time and a season, and accepting that nothing lasts forever is vital to being realistic and accepting Life on Life's terms (see lesson # 8 above).

28. The sooner you figure out: 1) who you are, 2) what you really want out of life and 3) where you're going, the sooner you can start making it happen. That's an INTEGRAL part of growing up and becoming an adult -- if you DON'T KNOW these 3 things, figure them out BEFORE involving other people in your world or your life. That way, you don't unnecessarily hurt innocent people.

29. People ARE NOT DISPOSABLE. They are not "things" to be used as you wish, then "thrown away" or "discarded" when you have no "use" for them, anymore. People have REAL feelings and can and DO get hurt. If you MUST "use" people, at least have the guts to be honest about it and let them know that's all you want (see lesson # 16 above).

30. Follow your dreams, but realize that it takes ACTION and HARD WORK to turn them into REALITY. Dreams will always stay dreams unless and until you ACT upon them.

31. NO ONE is perfect. Perfection is just an illusion, and only The Divine is TRULY perfect. You can seek perfection by seeking to be closer to The Divine (God), but you will never find REAL perfection here on this world, in this realm.

32. Don't place your OWN expectations upon others. Don't view others and their actions or behavior from the standpoint of "this is how I would act" or "this is how I would do it", because everyone is different, and if you place your own expectations upon others, you will always be disappointed or feel let down when others don't live up to them or do things a different way.

33. Someone once told me, "If you have one foot in the past, and one foot in the future, you're pissing on today".

34. The hardest part of holding on (to anything in life) is letting go.

35. It's all connected, even if you can't see the whole picture. We're ALL in this thing called "Life" together...and nobody gets out alive.

~ A Winter Minute ~

~ A Winter Minute ~

I heard the sad call of an owl, tonight,
ringing clear in the cold, night air.
The hollow, mournful hoot of only one,
whose lonesome voice seemed so full of care.
'Twas melancholy, yet it was strong,
as it pierced the crisp, quiet dark.
It was a simple, haunting, natural song
as the owl sounded out his mark.
It echoed off of the frost below,
kept company with the pale, winter moon.
It sounded as cool as the snow's soft glow,
wanting Spring to get here soon.
I listened for a few long moments more,
my breath steaming warm in the cold.
I wanted to answer his sad call with Hope
that the springtime would still promise hold.
That though both owl and I were still alone,
Winter's grip fades to gentle new starts.
And the warmth of fresh beginnings unknown
would melt the ice around both of our hearts...

~ C.L.R. ~
© 2006

WEEK 5 - Playing with online image generators...

My creation
Originally uploaded by dragonkatet2000.

This discovery exercise was lots of fun! I had no idea there were so many TOYS out there to play with your pictures. As you can see, I chose fd's Flickr Toys and used the "Motivator" toy - to create my own motivational poster. I think it turned out rather well, actually.

And maybe it will inspire others. Of course, I found the perfect dragon picture to use for it. :) More "play" coming up.

'Till next time...
~ DK